SPORKED!

Well, I know it's been quite some time since I've had anyone to add to my lengthening list, but---someone somewhere took pity on me and gave me not one but TWO unfortunates to add to the spork list.

JEREMY WEST-- Jeremy West, I believe originally was on the probationary list though I had to fight to put him there and, since it is MY list, I won. I really wanted him on the spork list just to piss Emily off, but now she says it's OK to move him on up so here he is.
Transgression One: You wandered through the dorm as 'Captain Democrat' or whatever. It was the scariest thing I've ever seen.
Transgression Two: You slept OUTSIDE Sullivan Hall IN A TENT before finals IN DECEMBER. You are a moron. The Sub-Transgression involved in this is that you slept in Emily's sleeping bag WITHOUT PANTS ON. That's just a no no. That's like using someone's tooth brush. Grody.
Transgression Three: You are mentally inept. On the trip to Washington DC with Fifer, you separated yourself from your group and you were in the car that went the long way to DC so basically I blame everyone in that car for that one. You walk barefoot in creeks and cut your foot open but don't seek immidiate medical care. You blister your hands and LET DOC OPERATE! A guy who, despite his name, IS NOT A DOCTOR!
Transgression FOur: Possibly the worst.....The rumor mill CLEARLY STATES that you decided to start and IV on yourself so you could 'drink more beer.' This is by far, the most retarded thing I've ever heard of, and by Emily's own decree, has landed you on the spork list.

Jeremy West, consider yourself SPORKED!

MIKE ROSSI

Oh, Mike---you've just been asking to get put on here. Since Jello doesn't really KNOW about the spork list, I'm putting you on here. However, I'm sure if she knew about it, she'd follow through and spork you and that would only incriminate ME since I'm the only one with an entire blog page about sporking male bits of anatomy. Then again I have said it's only me if there's copious amounts of blood and our favorite Plastic Implements of Doom scatterd about so it would be guilt by prior admittance.

Anyway, you are on here because you fucked a rugby slut---while you were still with Jello. You're on here because you hurt one of my girls. No one hurts one of my girls and gets away with it....ask your buddy chip...he's on the list too.

Emilee really liked you and, granted---she's a mean drunk at times---you had no right to go and hurt her in such a way. Do you know what Rugby sluts have? Do you know how many of your compatriots she's fucked/blown? Do you know how many other guys have had the displeasure of crawling between her legs? And, come to find out, you banged the rugby slut behind Jello's back, she dumps your ass and you're ALREADY banging some other girl. I mean, kudos on rebounding but DAMN....it's called grace period man.....take a break for five seconds...it's not like that thing has a shelf life.....or does it?

Alright, well ladies and gentlemen, there you have it, our two most recent additions to the spork list.

Have a nice Day :-D

Chip

Shame on you!

Well, that hardly seems harsh enough for what I REALLY want to say to you, but "You mother fucking ass hole" seems a little harsh to start out with.

As usual, we thought you were a nice guy. We thought that you were that one rare nice guy that slipped through the cracks and landed into the rugby crowd. How wrong we were....

You're nothing but a cheating, bastard. You PLAYED Christy. She never asked for that. She didn't have to take an interst in you at all, but she did and you went and hurt her. She wasn't even this hurt after her steady man from back home. You date her for five weeks and she finds out you were still dating another girl...a girl that you had been dating for a whole year!

Well, she found out about it...you're lucky we didn't find out first...actually I did see you with antother chick, but I, unfortunately kept it to myslef...I should have said something last week.

You don't deserve to procreate!

SPORKED!

Burkholder

Mr. Burkholder....I don't believe we've met, however I know all about your fun little activities this weekend.

How you put a girl in an uncomfortable position, how you wouldn't listen to what she had to say, and how you produced much damage and mayhem in Sulivan Hall.

Now, Mr. Burkholder....it might be alright for YOU to get it on with multiple girls, even if you've already got a girlfriend, though you probably couldn't get a girlfriend to save your ass. It is, however, not right in some people's eyes for someone to sleep with another on the side of their steady fling.

You pressing the matter will not get you into her bed.

You placed this young woman in a compromising position. SHe's not a bitch like I am. I would have been pressing charges with public safety....I probably would have threatened you with my knife...but no...she's nicer than I am.

You were so drunk, you wouldn't even listen to your friends, and accused them of cockblocking when you were too drunk to realize, she didn't want anythign you had to offer.

Then, you got pissed cuz the message FINALLY got through your head and then you ripped a water fountain off the wall.

HOW DUMB ARE YOU?????

Well, I don't really care...your actions this week speak loud and clear and I don't think you should be permitted to pass on your stupidity to further generations...and so, without any further ado what-so-ever, I welcome you to the spork List......

my your days here be filled with fear and anticipation for the day of judgement.

Brian

Brian, you've excelled to the spork list!

Congratulations...your summer is complete.

Now you've been put in here by my partner in crime, Ali for the following reasons

1.) You sent confusing signals.

2.) When asked, you gave a bullshit reason for why you don't want to pursue a relationship. She's not wild enough? What the hell is wrong with you?

3.) You've only ever hung out like, four times....erego, how do you know she's not wild? What is your definition of wild? Someone who will put out on the first date?

4.) When asked what you want to do (this is where your answer should be 'something wild') you never answer.

5.) When you do answer, it's a week too late.

"so i don't see where he can come off making that judgment when he hasn't taken the proper time to find that out... plus there's nothing in the city to get wild about... "

However, I've converted Ali to the dark side...which means she's going to join the rugby team.

Let's see who's wild now reject! She's got a revenge plan, and it involves plastic sporks!

New Additions to the ultimate list

Here are a few additions to the Spork List and the probationary list.

First the probationary list......

Eddie--- You are being put on probation for breaking up with Erin AT PROM. How dare you!?! Are you fucking retarded? That's absolutely ridiculous for you to break up with a girl simply because your dad told you to....You are only on this list because Erin begged it to be so...it is DEFINATELY against my better judgement....

However...she did give me fodder for the spork list.

Sporkable!

Eddie's Dad--- Eddie's Dad is actually the one responsible for landing Eddie on the probationary list. Eddie's Dad told Eddie to break up with Erin. Maybe not at Prom, but he did instigate the break up. And for a reason as foolish as that he doesn't like Erin's Dad....who's actually cool as hell. Eddie's Dad, have you read a little story by the title of Romeo and Juliet? Perhaps you should read old Billy Shakespeare's play and take it to heart....

An Introduction

Please go to www.crayonstastegood.blogspot.com and read the entry "In the Beginning...." found in the February archives.

This is the spork list.

Started as a way to get someone to shut up on a two week Canoe trip and still a running joke two years later, the spork list has evolved to encompass states, Probationary lists, and "The Unsporkables."

Only a complete act of Saintly virtue can get you on the "unsporkable" list. Any act deemed to lack social or mental tact on your part is cause to add you to the spork list.

Hurt a girl in our immediate circle and you may find the world famous plastic implement of death taped to your door.

Sort of like the black rose of the Mafia....only scarier...

You've been warned.